Training Camp: A Journey from Shame to Grace

At first, I was thrilled when I got accepted to the World Race back in January, but I was quickly flooded with thoughts of you’re not good enough, you’re not worthy of sharing the gospel, you’re not strong enough to leave home for 11 months, etc. These thoughts became like a song on repeat in my head until a few days into training camp. I couldn’t put my finger on what this meant or where it was coming from until I realized it all stemmed from years of deeply suppressed shame. Because I’d allowed my shame to transform my identity, I had not been able to step into an intimate relationship with the Lord. I had also allowed it to overflow into my ability to be vulnerable with myself and the people in my life.

This past week, more than anything has taught me that my God is literally incapable of loving me less. On the second day of training camp, I had a talk with one of our leaders named Kylee. During our meeting, I could tell something was going through her mind, and before I could say anything, she flat out asked me, “how do you feel about being vulnerable?” I immediately felt myself tense up because even the thought of opening up threatened every wall I’d put up to hide from myself. She went on to ask if I only shared just enough so that it would seem like I felt comfortable; again, she hit the nail on the head. Then the floodgates opened, and it became clear that God had something very specific to say to me through her. She spoke about Adam and Eve hiding in the garden because they were ashamed of their nakedness; God asked, “Who told you that you were naked?” (Gen 3:11). The Lord did not see their nakedness as wrong; in fact, He created them that way, but because of their sin, they felt shame. He understood this, so he “made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them” (3:21) to meet them at their brokenness.

Kylee then went on to compare that story to my heart; God thinks it is perfect at its rawest, but because He loves me, He allows me to wrap up my heart as a means of protecting my broken parts. She ended by saying that the race would be a time of healing; God would make way for me to start unraveling the bandages wrapped tightly around my heart so that I could live in the fullness and freedom of His grace. Never in my life had I experienced someone speaking the words of God directly to me until that conversation. After that, it became clear that my Creator desires to know me and love me deeply. He sees no place for my shame but understands me enough to meet me where I am.

This story is just one of the many times God spoke to me this week about being vulnerable. He knows the innermost parts of me, my most profound shame and insecurity, and STILL, He pursues me.

Yesterday, our last day of camp, I decided to get baptized as a way of showing God that I am ready to unravel my heart and pursue an honest and trusting relationship with Him. I will no longer hide behind my shame; it has taken up far too much room in my heart for far too long. Instead, I want the Lord to fill that space with His glory and grace.

The enemy’s lies that used to repeat in my head are now replaced with a verse from “Graves Into Gardens.”

I’m not afraid

To show You my weakness

My failures and flaws

Lord, You’ve seen them all

And You still call me friend